


Why does this chat exist

by LennonEllaWilkinson



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 69 goats, A Lot of Gay, Beyoncé and cascada, Chatting & Messaging, Don't do it, Drunk Sugawara Koushi, F/F, Goats, M/M, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, a lot of mention of nicki minaj, actually everyone is gay/lgbt, akaashi is suffering, asahi is jesus, bc why the fuck not, get it? suck at smut?, golden week with seijoh and shiratorizawa at some point, groupchat, he just doesn't know it, her name is clarisse, hinata is kinky, iwaizumi is done, kageyama is really gay, kinnoshita is gonna kill em all one day, kyioko is a sercret memer, lev is stupid but so lovable, matsuhana are dads and adopt the smol crow manager, smoking weed, so is yachi, stone cold dictator suga, suga is in full sugamomma mode, suga knows and sees everything, sugawara started it, talking about dicks and sex but no graphical explenation bc i suvk at smut, tendou is in love with punk suga, that sounds like a band tbh, tsukki is shook, ushijima has a cow, ushijima is Beyoncé trash #1, watari needs some love, yachi is different on the Internet, yamaguchi is getting some, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-25 22:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10773573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LennonEllaWilkinson/pseuds/LennonEllaWilkinson
Summary: another haikyuu chatfic nobody wanted but I still wrote it. *throws it in you face* *naruto runs away*aka where suga makes a group chat at 2 am and kinnoshita is gonna murder somebody.





	1. where it all started

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this little fic I started (this is my First fic so please be honest about it. thank you)

02:25 am

sugamomma made the karasuno family™

Sugamomma added Dadchi , jesus and others to chat

pudding: why are kuroo, bokuto, lev and I here if it's the karasuno family chat

sugamomma: bc you are family 

hoot: *old man voice* hinata is it you my boy?

Ball of sunshine: *old man voice* it's been 80 years

KaGAYama: you have seen each other like last week or Smth.

cat: I sexually Identify as Harambe. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of living in a gorilla enclosure at Cincinnati zoo and dragging children. People say to me that a person being Harambe is impossible and I'm retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon install the name Harambe, harmless intentions and a gorillas body on me. From now on I want you guys to call me 'Harambe' and respect my right to roam around the gorilla enclosure and drag around small children. If you can't accept me you're an agrizoophobe and need to check your zoo official privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

pudding™: and this is why you are the worst captain in history kuroo

Dadchi:  I sexually Identify as an overused sexually identification copypasta. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of spamming other users with my unfunny wall of text. People say to me that a person who does this is a laughable idiot and I'm fucking retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having these words glued all over my body. From now on I want people to refer to me as an overused sexually identification copypasta as my preferred pronouns and respect my right to paste unfunny sexually identification copypastas to reddit in hope of receiving virtual internet points. If you can't accept me you're funny and mentally stable and need to check your choice of subreddits. Thank you for being so understanding.

noya: did dad just meme?

buddha: yes he did and also rosted cat boy while doing it.

Sugamomma: I was never so proud

saltyshima: not even when I blocked one of Ushijima's tosses?

cat: you did what?

leg: isn't he like the 3rd best ace in Japan?

hoot: *bows down*

cat: *am already on my knees if you know what I mean*

Sugamomma:

1st nope I was not as proud back then as I am rn.

2nd. gross @ kuroo

hoot: Oi can I add akaashi?

ennoshit: that ridicously good looking setter from fukurodani?

hoot: yes

dadchi: sure why not

hoot added suffering™  to the chat

KaGAYama: that name would fit to iwaizumi from aoba johsai

noya: let's add them. those two meme boys are pretty funny

suffering™: please don't

cat: too late

cat added matsupepe, hanameme, Done™, Oikawhat and wet to the chat

Done™: not another one of those gc

wet: what is this?

suffering: *flickering lights on and off* hell

oikawhat: why did you add the memers?

hanameme: because we are a fun time

matsupepe: babe wanna terrorise our friends and the karasuno members?

sugamomma: we this is the karasuno family chat so you are officially family

cat: can Bokuto and I be the weird uncles?

dadchi: as long as Bokuto doesn't try to kidnap hinata again. I am ok with it.

suffering™: where was I when that happened?

KaGAYama: doing something else I guess?

hanameme: yes babe I wanna terrorise our family with memes ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) 

matsupepe:  ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) 

Done™: why am I here

sugamomma: because you are a member of our dysfunctional family

Done™: shouldn't I be allowed to vote if I want to be a member of this family

sugamomma: this is no democracy this is a stone cold dictatorship ruled by me and you cannot escape bc I know where you live  
( *¯ ³¯*)♡ 

Done™: you are terrifying

Sugamomma: I know ;)

Oikawhat: why do you know where he lives?

Sugamomma: I have my resources

wet: do you know where everybody in this chat lives?

Sugamomma: :)

Sugamomma: and that is the reason why iwaizumi won't leave this chat and why matsuhana won't terrorise us with memes

matsupepe: I am kinda afraid rn

hanameme: don't worry babe I will protect you.

Sugamomma: your dog started Barking like 5 minutes ago, hanamaki. :)

hanameme: How do you know that?

Sugamomma: :)

hoot: I am gone for like ten minutes and I miss this

Gucci™: can we change the topic?

Done™: yes

Gucci™: ok when kuroo/noya can add their friends can I add some of mine?

sugamomma: of course sweetcheeks

Gucci™: stOp calling me that.

Gucci™ added Tender Salami, Ushijima and not your mom to the chat.

Oikawhat: no

Ushijima: hello. what is this?

suffering: *flickering lights on and off* hell

Ushijima: Tadashi why did you add my to this group?

Gucci™: bc it's a fun group and you need more friends. 

Ushijima: I have friends

Gucci™: your team and I don't count so you only have yaku 

Ushijima: fair point

KaGAYama: why doesn't yamaguchi count?

Ushijima: we have been dating for like three months

Buddha: you what?

Gucci™: yeah. I thought I told you guys?

Oikawhat: no freckles-chan how could you betray our friends ship like this?

Gucci™: sorry oiks but if a had to choose between you and wakatoshis abs I would choose them abs 

Oikawhat: I can't belive this. #thebetrayal 

Gucci™: ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

KaGAYama: I can't belive you didn't  told the team

Saltyshima: I have been your best friend for years and I find out like this. #dissapointed 

Gucci™: please you have been fucking kuroo for two months and you didn't told me and I wouldn't have known if I didn't walk in on you guys

Sugamomma: he what? 

Tender Salami: ha I knew all along I was there when Ushijima asked him out!

Ball of sunshine: you are trying to tell me that Ushijima Wakatoshi the third best ace in Japan who will play in the Japan youth team had a crush on yamaguchi and asked him out?

Tender Slamai: yes. and when they met for the first time they were both in middle school :)

Saltyshima: why wasn't I informed?

Gucci™: ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

noya: but how? yamaguchi is an literal angel and Ushijima is a big scary guy who is made of only muscles

Gucci™: he is actually the biggest softie on earth. he has a cow named clarisse and she is the cutest thing on earth

not your mom: that cow is so great I love her so much I can't wait till I see her again.

Tender Salami: Ikr?

Sugamomma: I wanna see the cow

hoot: same

cat: ^

leg:^^

ball of sunshine: me and kags also want to see the cow. :)

Ushijima send a picture

https://goo.gl/images/4ivpVe

Oikawhat: I don't want to compliment something from Ushijima but that cow really is cute.

Gucci™: Ikr on our first date I met her and the other cows and it was the best night of my life. jfc I love that cow and you.<3

Ushijima: <3

matsupepe: that was so cute and gay at the same time I can't take it anymore

ball of sunshine: Kags is reading this over my shoulder and just Whispered same under his breath

Sugamomma: it's almost 3 am why is Kageyama with you?

Ball of sunshine is offline

cat: I think they were fucking

sugamomma: language

cat: please you are not my team mom and you have nothing to hold against me.

sugamomma: one of your cat's meowed ten minutes ago and you got up and gave her food. :)

cat: How the fuck do you know this. you live like 2 hours away from here?

Oikawhat: I think he is secretly part of the mafia and is just in karasuno to spy on us and eventually kill us one day

Saltyshima: I bet he already killed somebody.

sugamomma: :)

kinnoshita: if you all don't go to bed rn I will steal the list with your adresses from suga and kill every single one of you starting with suga bc he created this chat.

Sugamomma: ha jokes on you but I am not home

hoot: what are you doing outside at 3 am?

Sugamomma: daichi

Sugamomma: :)

Sugamomma is offline

Gucci™: wow that image will haunt me into my nightmares.

Ushijima: wanna cuddle?

Gucci™: you know it ;)

hoot: and why are you together at 3am?

Ushijima: sucking dick. good night everyone and sweet dreams:)

Ushijima is offline

Gucci™ is offline

noya: I am scared

kinnoshita: you should be bc I am this close to put on my shoes and break into sugas house to find out your address and murder you.

noya is offline

kinnoshita: good

10:01 am

Naruto: so what did I miss?

ennoshit: just scroll up

Naruto: I love how 50% of our first years are with captains of powerhouses and the other 50% is doing eachother

jesus: why am I here?

Naruto: sugas Stone cold dictatorship

Sugamomma: get rekt


	2. it all started with lev being an idiot and a turtle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk what this chapter is.
> 
> we go from turtles to hinata being a kinky shit and a lot of yamaguchi/Ushijima fluff. ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

03:04 am

leg: help

not your mom: what did you do this time? 

leg: i think I broke my ankle

hoot: shit man you alright?

leg: i just said I think I broke my ankle. of course am I alright. I am fucking peachy

hoot: jesus you don't have to be so salty

sugamomma: How did you broke your ankle

leg: so I was downstairs cuz I got hungry and then I made froot loops. I wanted to go upstairs again but I slipped and know I am on the ground covered in froot loop and I have a broken ankle and I am completely alone at home so yeah.

not your mom: I am on my way

leg: my prince in shinning armour

not your mom: shut it.

leg: sorry

not your mom is offline

leg is offline

hoot: so that was something

sugamomma: yeah

hoot: and why are you up on this unearthly hour?

sugamomma: job

hoot: you have a job? what is it and why this late/early?

sugamomma: you did like to know don't you :)

Oikawhat: I am onto you sugawara 

sugamomma: :)

ball of sunshine: anybody wanna adopt a stupid turtle?

hoot: turtle?

KaGAYama: she is not stupid!!

Oikawhat: why do you wanna sell a turtle?

Ball of sunshine: somebody's turtle decided it was good idea to pee all over my stuff 

hoot: I always wanted a turtle

KaGAYama: lay one thinger on Mia and you are dead karasuno needs their number 9 2/1

ball of sunshine: he made a Tricot for her and sometimes takes her to away games.

Oikawhat: that's actually really cute

sugamomma: the team is like the Mia protection squad. (except hinata she hates him and he hates her)

hoot: still a better love story then twilight

KaGAYama: what

hoot: nvm

ball of sunshine: just clean up the mess and go back to bed.

hoot: kinky

sugamomma: not in front of the children

hoot: the children are the ones having sex mom

ball of sunshine: I hate this family

sugamomma: since when aren't you this lil ball of enrgey that gets excited over birds

ball of sunshine: since it's lick my ass in the morning and this piece of shit of a turtle named Mia peed all over my stuff

sugamomma: language

Ball of sunshine: my boyfriend that litteraly fucked me like 20 minutes ago is the youngest here I think I can curse once in a while.

KaGAYama: why are you like this

Oikawhat: that is a sentence that I never wanted to hear

sugamomma: ok my shift is over I am going to bed now. gd

Oikawhat: why are you working till 03:30 am and don't you have an exam in like 5 hours

sugamomma: the first thing I do every morning is take a can of hot coffe and pour it into my face

KaGAYama: he is not lying I once saw him doing that

ball of sunshine: get off your phone

KaGAYama: jesus. ok

KaGAYama is offline

ball of sunshine is offline

Oikawhat: and I am just repeating what everyone else already said. I am scared.

Done™: you should be if you don't put your phone back down and go back to bed

Oikawhat: _(:3 |  /_ )_ oh iwa-chan

Done™: I will cut you if you don't go back to cuddle sleep with me

Oikawhat: ok<3

Oikawhat is offline

Done™ is offline

hoot: so suga it is only us two again

Sugamomma: wanna play a game

hoot: a game like stupid teenagers or a sinister like game bc when I read this it sounded like some saw shit

Sugamomma: teenager games and language

hoot: sorry. how about embarrass your teammates by telling me funny stories

Sugamomma: every easter we dress asahi up as jesus and tie him up on the volleyball thingy.

hoot: asahi is your ace right?

sugamomma: yes:)

hoot: I love your team ;)

sugamomma: tanaka always says he is straight even tho I caught him making out with ennoshita in the locker Room (same thing with asahi and noya)

hoot: you guys sound like fun. I wish I could call my team family

sugamomma: you can call us family :)

hoot: that was really cute. tell me more about karasuno

sugamomma: on our way to Tokyo we had super bass by Nicki Minaj on shuffle and everybody sang even coach and tsukishima

hoot: we gotta make a karaoke contest the next time we have golden week or something like that 

sugamomma: only if we can sing cascada, Britney, spice girls, Beyoncé and nicki on shuffle

hoot: you know it

Ushijima: somebody mention Beyoncé?

hoot: the way to summon Ushijima Wakatoshi: mention Beyoncé

Ushijima: I am coming next golden week idgf you are all going down and imma sing Beyoncé.

sugamomma: maybe we can talk with the coaches and let Shiratorizawa and seijoh join us next time

hoot: that is an excellent idea :)

sugamomma: :)

ushijima: I can't wait :)

sugamomma: same :)

 

mean while in the Iwaoi household

"iwa-chan." Oikawa kicked his lover with his leg.  
"what is it shittykawa?" Asked iwa.  
"I think something horrible just happened."  
"go back to sleep you idiot."

 

09:05

ball of sunshine: anybody wanna hear a funny story?

KaGAYama: no they don't

sugamomma: yes

Oikawhat: me too โ๏∀๏ใ 

hoot: me three

leg: me four 

cat: me five

KaGAYama: shouyou don't you dare 

ball of sunshine: or what you gonna do. spank me?

Oikawhat: omg. hinata is kinky confirmed

sugamomma: daichi and kuroo you owe me money

cat: dammit

ball of sunshine: do you just have bets on all of us

sugamomma: no

dadchi: sure Jan

sugamomma: traitor

ball of sunshine: anyway I was at Tobio this weekend and this idiot decided it was a good idea to play Cascada and drink milk while dancing in the kitchen at 3 am and guess what? he slipped and broke his little toe. 

and this my children is the story of how Kageyama Tobio can't play volleyball for two months.

suffering™: and I thought my boyfriend is an idiot.

hoot: hey!

not your mom: a similar thing happened to lev last night

hoot: oh yeah how is his ankle?

leg: fucking peachy. 

hoot: since when are you a salty little shit?

leg: since I look like a snake I should act like it don't ya think?

sugamomma: anyway Ushijima have you talked to your catch about golden week

ushijima: he said it's no problem as long as the other coaches are ok with it.

Oikawhat: so you want shiratorizawa in your golden week but not seijoh #betrayed

sugamomma: we actually talked about inviting seijoh too.

Oikawhat: I am gonna ask coach. brb

cat: same.

Gucci™: are you out of your mind?

sugamomma: ehm no?

Gucci™: you seriously think that Oikawa Tooru, tendou satori, the two memers from seijoh, bokuto Koutaru and kuroo tetsurou hanging out for a week is good idea? 

sugamomma: actually it's for two weeks :)

Oikawhat: coach said it's ok.

cat: nekomata also said it was ok

suffering™: Iwa, yaku, Tsukishima and yamaguchi I think we are gonna die.

done™: suga you are dead to me

sugamomma: we are gonna have karaoke competitions every evening :)

Gucci™: so y'all are gonna burn when Wakatoshi starts to sing Beyoncé?

hoot: is he that good?

Ushijima: I betcha'

noya: omg can we also play Mario cart

buddha: I thought you sucked at Mario cart

noya: but I like watching it.

hanameme: y'all are going down on rainow road

done™: great. suga you realise that matsuhana are gonna have sex the hole week and they are louder and make it more often than rabbits!

sugamomma is offline

suffeing™: he did his damage and left

done™: the mom squad is dissapointed in you suga

hoot: I love how you called them by their ship name

hanameme: we are gonna be extra loud just for you <3

done™: kill me

Oikawhat: nope I still need you.

wet: how do y'all get bfs while i am here single af guys I need relationship advise

Gucci™: just because I am dating Wakatoshi doesn't mean I know how I did it.

Ushijima: just because I am dating tadashi doesn't mean I know how I did it.

hoot: did you just.

noya: omg that was so sweet and gay.

Gucci™: that is what you call relationship goals. *formation by Beyoncé plays in the background*

ushijima: *bow down bitches*

Gucci™: *b-bow down bitches*

ball of sunshine: ok we get it you are a great couple

cat: tsukki why can't we be like this?

Saltyshima: bc you suck

cat: dick

cat: see we finish eachothers sententes 

pudding™: this is why kuroo

cat: this is why what?

pudding™: this is just why.

 

08:45 pm

Oikawhat: hey can I add some ppl.

sugamomma: yes the bigger the family the bigger the fun

Oikawhat added turnip™, vodka™, doggo™ and kunimi to the chat

turnip™: what is this oiks

Oikawhat: the people we gonna spend two weeks with and your new family <3

tunip™: I fucking hate you.

Oikawhat: this is why Yahaba is my favorite.

turnip™: ch0ke

done™: well he is choking on something on a daily basis if you know what I mean

sugamomma: not in front of the children.

ball of sunshine: as I said my boyfriend is the youngest here and he is sucking me dick atm. I think you can stop treating us like children.

oikwhat: omg no chibi-chan. what happened to thensure innocent ball of sunshine we all used to know?

Ball of sunshine: I have access to the Internet and a boyfriend with a cock bigger than a tyrannosaurus.

Dadchi: that is an information I didn't want to know.

oikwhat: omg you sinner.

ball of sunshine changed his name to ball of sin

sugamomma: I am sacred for life.

08:55

naruto: so what did I miss?

naruto: what is wrong with this family?


	3. Goats and weed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one is kinda longer I think and it's all in all just a mess.
> 
>  
> 
> we go from tsukki and hinata duetting super bass by Nicki to lev hitting his head on a door frame.
> 
> from akaashi owning 69 goats to talking about drugs and the part between their legs

07:13 am

cat: when are y'all coming?

dadchi: just got into the bus. like 2 hours

ushijima: will be there in 1 hour

done™: 20 mins

cat: see ya soon

ball of sin: suga can we play nicki?

sugamomma: well dadchi is asleep so I guess

ball of sin: fuck yeah. noya turn it up.

noya: only if I can play the nicki, Beyoncé and Britney play list

ball of sin: who run the world?

Uhsijima: Girls!

Ball of sin: hey!

Ushijima: who run this motherfucker ?

ball of sin: Girls

 

07:45 am

KaGAYama: guys

cat: yeah

hoot: ??

KaGAYama: tsukki and Shouyou are duetting super bass

cat: picks or it didn't happen.

KaGAYama: check out sugas snapchat

hoot: I need to be on that bus. 

KaGAYama: omg Narita just started to sing heavy dirty soul by tøp and he is slaying it.

leg: omg I fuckjng love tøp

hoot: you all know how Ushijima sometimes says to oiks that he should have gone to shiratorizawa but  
I think we all should have gone to karasuno

sugamomma: that's rly cute

 

08:50.

hoot: when is the karasuno family coming I miss my son.

dadchi: in like 10-15 minutes

cat: yay. babe I can't wait to see you again <3

saltyshima: ...<3

Ushijima: <3

Gucci™: <3

not your mom: back at it again with the couple goals

leg: this could be us but you playing

not your mom: <3

leg: <3\. :)

cat: wait what?

pudding™: you didn't knew they were together?

cat: why didn't you tell me

leg: we literally made out in front of you last golden week

cat: but we played truth or dare

not your mom: he picked me up bridal style and then we sleep cuddled .

hoot: guys we are talking about kuroo here. it took him like a month to realise he was dating tsukki

saltyshima: he what?

cat is offline 

09:01 am

sugamomma: holy fuck guys

leg: yeah?

sugamomma: we are almost in the parking lot yeah and the bus is still driving yeah? and hinata jumps head front out of the bus bc he saw Bokuto, kenma and the others.

matsupepe: I wanna adopt this child

hoot: not under my watch

dadchi: back the fuck off

sugamomma: language

noya: omg did anybody saw how gucci got on his tiptoes to kiss Ushijima and Ushijima picked him up. that was like the cutest shit on earth.

Oikawhat: I am starting to think that you, chibi-chan and I are the ushigucci fan club

noya: ushigucci? really?

Oikawhat: it sounds funny

ball of sin: I thought it was ushiyama

noya: I am ushiyama shipper no. 1

Oikawhat: not under my watch

tender salami: back off bitches. I saw everything. I saw their pinning. I was there when waka asked tadashi out, I stalked them on their first date. I am USHIYAMA SHIPPER NO. 1 !!!

Gucci™: you what

tender salami: nvm

cat: the coaches decided that we should do some team bonding today since it's the first day. so who is up for karaoke tonight?

ushijima: get ready bitches cuz I am gonna win this shit with my beautiful baby boy from Beyoncé performance.

Gucci™: I am gonna record it :) <3

Ushijima: I hope so

sugamomma: why are we texting? we are all in the same room.

hoot: except for hanamaki and mattsukawa

done™: if you listen closely you can hear the sound of me screaming in the distance

hanameme: if you listen closely you can hear the sound of makki screaming in the distance if you know what I mean.

Ball of sin: are you seriously on your phone while having sex?

hanameme: yes

KaGAYama: gross

ball of sin: oh please I once gave you a hand job while we were getting some 'extra practice'.

dadchi: I fucking knew it

KaGAYama: hinata!

Ball of sin: ups

not your mom: anybody seen lev I can't find him.

cat: he hit his head on a door frame and is now in the infirmary.

Ball of sin: he is even taller now?

cat: yup

not your mom: I can't wait to see that guy when he is in his 3rd year.

cat: he is gonna hit his head on the clouds. xD

saltyshima: nope. not funny

cat: bae 

saltyshima: nope

cat: :3c

saltyshima: what is that

cat: nyah

saltyshima: what?

cat: you know 

cat: nyah :3c

saltyshima: stop

cat: :3 c

saltyshima: better

Gucci™: he just laughed.

saltyshima: no I did not. 

cat: pics or it didn't happen

Gucci™: strawberryred.jpn

cat: he looks like a strawberry ;D

saltyshima: the betrayal

 

12:14 am

Gucci™: who wants to see baby tsukki in a dinosaur costume?

cat: me

sugamomma: me

dadchi: me

Ushijima: me

Gucci™: lookathimgo.jpn

ball of sin: this is beautiful ;)

saltyshima: is today emberass your best friend day or something?

cat: Bokuto cried during the last episode of naruto shippuden

hoot: dude

naruto: I cried too

kinnoshita: Narita also cried during the final episode of season two of Tokyo ghoul

Oikawhat: let's go home ;(((

naruto: don't remind me of it

dadchi: asahi cried during yuri on ice

cat: the engagement scene or the kiss scene?

dadchi: he cried during every scene even the one where yuri and Chris have a pole dance competition

vodka™: same

jesus: why do so many have the trade mark sing on your name?

noya: every body who wants asahi to change his name to jesus™ say aye.

Sugamomma: aye

Dadachi: aye

cat: aye

vodka™: aye

done™: aye

doggo™: aye

pudding™: aye

suffering™: aye

Gucci™: aye

jesus changed name to jesus™

jesus™: happy?

noya: yes<3

jesus™: <3

buddha: gay

sugamomma: tanaka be nice

buddha: sorry 'mom' I don't speak gay

Dadchi: don't lie to yourself we all see the way you look at ennoshita

buddha is offline

cat: that was beautiful.

hoot: a master piece

ushijima: 10/10

Oikawhat: the captain/dad squad is proud of you sawamura

Dadchi: thank you. *bows down*

ball of sin: who is better the pretty setter squad or the almighty captain/dad squad

Oikawhat: well both of those have me in it. so they are equal.

Gucci™: it says pretty setter squad not trashy setter squad. maybe you should put on your glasses.

Ushijima: and that is one of the reasons why I love you tadashi

Gucci™: stop it.

Ushijima: <3 

Gucci™: <3

wet™: if you listen closely you can hear the sound of the singles crying.

kunimi: ha

turnip: haha

 

03:24 pm

dadchi: guys the coaches said that we can make a party with music etc.

noya: my fellow memers are you ready for never gonna give you up on shuffle ;)

hanameme: fuck yeah.

matsupepe: good shit that some good shit right there right there.

sugamomma: it's time to st0p

Gucci™: are we just gonna send memes to each other?

noya: yes

Gucci™: ok then

 

04:00 pm

vodka™: since when does nekoma have goats?

cat: we don't have any goats

doggo™: there are like 40-50 goats on the beach volleyball field rn

not your mom: fuck. they have found me

cat: what?

noya: can I ride a goat?

ball of sin: ^

cat: no.

shipper#1: fuck you. You can't stop me from riding on a fucking goat.

cat: who the fuck even are you?

shipper#1: yachi Hitoka first year karasuno manager. pleasure to meet you.

noya: since when are you in this chat?

shipper#1: always. I was always reading the messages in the shadows and looking at my ships and waiting for goats.

cat: what is wrong with karasuno

shipper#1: that's homophobic

cat: why am I homophobic?

shipper#1: cuz evrybody @ karasuno is gay af and you are insulting us.

hanameme: mattsun can we adopt her?

matsupepe: yes

shipper#1: yes. adopted by my fave memers. DAD'S!!!!

vodka™ sent an image 

vodka™: look at him go.

hanameme: is kyoutani riding a goat

vodka™: yes. yes he is

shipper#1: I also wanna ride a goat.

matsupepe: where are you rn. imma get you and bring you to the goats.

shipper#1: by the gym and fuck yeah

cat: where did these goats even came from.

vodka™ has sent an image

vodka™: ladies and gentlegays we are about to witness the tournament of the century on your left you have ken with his goat fluff™ and yachi with her goat kyioko.

and on your right you have Noya with bolt and hinata with mandarin

who is gonna win this race?

cat: is that Ushijima smiling while petting a goat?

vodka™: yes. he named her marie-Claire Susanne.

buddha: his smile is so pure wtf?

sugamomma: language

sugamomma: anybody seen Daichi?

cat: no

leg: no.

vodka™: he just ran up here like a maniac and all the goats have gathered around him (except marie-Claire Susanne she loyal af) and Idk what's happening.

sugamomma: don't let asahi near the goats.

vodka™: why?

sugamomma: his neighbours have 100+ goats and every single one hates him just like every goat he has ever met but he still loves goats and always runs up to them and they always attack him.

vodka™: ...

Oikawhat: why are here goats in the first place?

cat: I am currently trying to figure it out.

suffering™: oh. they are mine I think

cat: what?

suffering™: my fam got me 69 goats as a joke two years ago and they are really attached to me and dazai actually once followed me to school in my first year.

cat: you live almost an hour away

suffering™: sooooo. anybody want a goat?

doggo™: I want one but I have no space.

Ushijima: I have enough space for every goat.

suffering™: How? 

Ushijima: the land my fam and I own is about the size of 6-7 shiratorizawas and we are currently using like 1,5 shiratorizawas. so yeah I have space.

Gucci™: are you seriously gonna be the dad of 69 goats don't you think that's like a lot

Ushijima: if they don't have names you can name of few.

Gucci™: :) good

suffering™: ok you can keep the goats and no they don't have names.

Ushijima: I will call my mom to come and get the truck. :)

shipper#1: can I come to visit kyioko Ushijima?

Ushijima: did you name the black goat kyioko?

shipper#1: yes

Ushijima: yes you can visit her

doggo™: ??

Ushijima: and yes you can also visit fluff™

Ushijima: everybody can come and visit their goats.

dadchi: I am the GOAT KING

KaGAYama: #triggered

dadchi: kneel you peasants bc I am the GOAT KING

not your mom: wtf?

dadchi has sent an image

leg: are the goat's kneeling?

matsupepe: that is so disturbing bc Daichi is laughing like a maniac.

sugamomma: asahi, Tanaka, Ennoshita, Narita and kinnoshita do you have to do something with Daichis behaviour?

Kinnoshita: fuck.

jesus™: we gotta run

buddha: gotta blast

ennoshit: good bye my pettite croissants

naruto: *naruto runs away*

Sugamomma: current status: stressed 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•) 

vodka™: what did theyou do to Daichi?

not your mom: ???

shipper#1: ???

matsupepe: ???

hanameme: ???

Sugamomma: they gave him

cat: ???

leg: ???

doggo™: ???

Sugmomma: that green stuff that dreams are made of

cat: jfc. please tell me Daichi is high af.

Sugamomma: sadly

KaGAYama: and what do the second years (-noya / +asahi) have to do with this?

Sugamomma: the second years (- noya/ +asahi) are the smokers of karasuno.

Saltyshima: but asahi is too good and too pure for this world he is our gentle giant. the oldest son, good grades nothing scandalous about him. and ennoshita future team mom AND CaptAIN even better grades than me sometimes a salty savage but still. tanaka sure why not. Narita and kinnoshita didn't expect anything less from them but I am still so sh00k

Gucci™: did you little Fuckers stole my weed?

naruto: *naruto runs away*

hoot: lol karasuno is wild.

cat: what have you been up to?

hoot: chatting with iwa about v ball and our pretty setter boyfriends

ball of sin: I also have a pretty setter boyfriend

cat: *John zena voice* are you sure about that?

Ball of sin: at least he doesn't have a 5 inch dick like some cat like captain I know.

hoot: I bet it's still smaller then mine tho

suffering™: I once walked in on hinata and Kageyama and I can assure you he has in fact a bigger Penistone than you.

hoot: :0

Oikawhat: tobio-chan how does it feel like knowing akaashi saw your thing.

cat: bo, hinata how does it feel like knowing akaashi saw Kageyamas junk?

not your mom: How the fuck do we gather from goats to matsuhana adopting yachi to 'the goat race™' to Ushijima adopting said goats, to Daichi becoming goat king, to finding the truth about the karasuno 2nd years (-noya +asahi) and now this?

Kyioko: welcome to the thing I call live :)

not your mom: I feel so sorry for you

kyioko: it's been 3 years I get used to their shit.

done™: I can feel you. i don't know how it's like to be a manager but it's hard to be a mom when the father gives me more shit than the kids

Oikwhat: mean iwa-chan ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ)  

Kyioko: put that thing back where it came from or so help me.

Oikwhat: ༼ つ ͠° ͟ ͟ʖ ͡° ༽つ 

kyioko: ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

 

Sugamomma: stop. both of you

kyioko: sorry mom

sugamomma: now can somebody get Daichi away from the goats before he ends up killing himself

Ushijima: on it

 

02:28

Dadchi: fun fact- "go hang a salami" is "I am a lasagna hog" backwards and that pleases me

pudding™: What is wrong with this family?


	4. Party in Myiagi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what i just wrote it starts with this line ' Saltyshima: you don't have to kill yourself if you are already dead inside *points finger on head* ' and now I have this chapter.
> 
> have fun. *naruto runs into the war zone named my room*

04:20

Saltyshima: you don't have to kill yourself if you are already dead inside *points finger on head*

Gucci™: tsukki no

Dadchi: why are you awake?

Saltyshima: I am making party with the nekoma and fukurodani guys!!!!!

Oikwhat: and why aren't we invited

Dadchi: go back to sleep we have two weeks of training before us

Saltyshima: sleep is f0r the weak

Saltyshima: and iwaizumi and kyioko are here so   
¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

Oikwhat: what? why is iwa-chan invited and not me?

Saltyshima: bc he is a fun drunk. you are a emotional drunk

Oikawhat: (,,ﾟДﾟ) 

Kyioko: ch0ke yuuo bIIIITTTtttches

Dadchi: tsukishima how could you allow kyioko to get drunk?

Saltyshima: ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

Sugamomma: omg à drunk kyioko. I am coming

Dadchi: no. suga go to bed. tsukki don't let him drink!!

Saltyshima: I wouldn't have but you had to call me tsukki didn't you? :)

Dadchi: ok. you have to deal with a drunk suga and the team and I won't help you.

Saltyshima: omg he just got here and downed 4 shots and now he is dancing with akaashi and bo is sulking in a corner

Dadchi: have fun...:)

05: 34

Saltyshima: daichi. I am so sorry please help me.

Dadchi: :)

Sugamomma: what is up my lil kouhais!

Ball of sin: hi suga

Sugamomma: HinataaAaAAAAA 

Ball of sin: hi

Sugamomma: don't tell the others but you are my favorite

noya: suga how could you?

Ball of sin: choke on it noya-senpai

noya: ok you called me senpai I am happy again.

Dadchi: coach just walked in to wake us up and asked where tsukishima, kyioko and suga are

Oikawhat: what did you say 

Saltyshima: hell

Dadchi: I said I didn't now and then my phone got off and a notification from this chat got off and now he wants me to add him here.

Oikawhat: omg yes. add him it will be fun.

Dadchi added smoke™

matsupepe: omg. your coach is a memer

hoot: we all should have gone to karasuno

smoke™: ok now. where are 2, 11 and manger #1.?

Dadchi: you call us after our numbers?

smoke™: ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

hoot: they are with us and the nekoma team :)

smoke™: and where is that? :)

hoot: we may or may not be in miyagi

smoke™: and whose idea was that?

hoot: kuroos

cat: liar

hoot: am not

cat: are 2

hoot: am not

cat: are 2

smoke™: come as fast as you can and extra laps for nekoma, Fukurodani, 12 and 2

Oikwhat: iwaizumi is also with them

done™: you fucking traitor

smoke™: also extra laps for iawizumi.

Ushijima: I feel so proud that my team is responsible enough and didn't go with them

cat: actually.

Ushijima: wich one ?

cat: tendou, semi, goshiki and shirabu

Ushijima: extra laps for you guys

tender salami: I am not even that drunk

cat: you are naked on the rooftop of sugas house.

tender salami: ...

sugamomma: omg that is a great idea. tendou wait for me I am coming.

saltyshima: I can't belive I have to say this to suga but PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON.

cat: why did you scream and write at the same time

saltyshima: for the person reading this

cat: what?

hoot: don't break the fourth wall

cat: what?

Saltyshima: shit dude u r8

cat: what?

smoke™: just drive back to Tokyo without any injures

leg: too late for that m8

smoke™: what did you do?

leg: i Fell off the roof top

not your mom: don't worry we are all going to the bus and I am driving

smoke™ left the chat

Ball of sin: I think he started to cry.

Dadchi: he just told the other coaches that there is gonna be a bus full of drunk teenagers arriving in like 2 hours.

Saltyshima: and ?

Dadchi: they all screamed at the same time.

Saltyshima: I thank God I am not that drunk so my hangover won't be that bad.

cat: you stole one of Ushijima's cows and are currently riding it

Saltyshima: you say it like it's a bad thing

cat: you only wear boxers

Ushijima: wich one did you steal?

Saltyshima: the big black one with long horns

Ushijima: that's my bull flower you are probably gonna die and wait i though you guys are on a bus

cat: we are but tsukki isn't.

Ushijima: don't tell me he is riding him on the high way

cat: ok I won't.

Gucci™: omg yay flower I love him!!!

Sugamomma: we also stole Kageyamas turtle

Ball of sin: put that thing back where it came from or so help me.

KaGAYama: if anything happens to her.

Sugmomma: I know I know you will kill us. jfc

Ushijima: Tsukishima. I swear to God if he dies of exhaustion I will kill you.

Gucci™: I am sorry Wakatoshi but. 

Gucci™: if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends

Saltyshima: friendship lasts forever

Ball of sin: yeah friendship never ends

kaGAYama: ...I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT

Gucci™: so tell me what you want what you really really want

ball of sin: I wanna. I wanna

KaGAYama: suck your dick

Jesus™: that one time I want to sing/write w/ you guys and this happens

KaGAYama: ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

Ball of sin: ohh Tobio _(:3 |  /_ )_

KaGAYama: what is that? I do not approve it

Ball of sin: ＿(´ཀ`」 ∠)_ TOOBII~

KaGAYama: that thing is horrifying

Ball of sin: accept the emoticons ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ)  

KaGAYama: never

Ball of sin:  (σ ͜ʖσ) are you sure?

KaGAYama: yes.

Sugamomma: why are you like this?

Ball of sin: like what?

Sugamomma: just get ready. we will be there in like 45 minutes.

Dadchi: y'all can't wait for your extra laps can ya?

Sugamomma: this sentence is burned into my eyes

Dadchi: if y'all don't want the extra laps y'all'shldn't've gone

Sugamomma: I don't know if you just want to annoy me or if this is real

Dadchi: save a horse ride a cowboy?

Sugamomma: what kind of drugs did you take?

Dadchi: literally all of them

Sugamomma: How are you even alive?

Dadchi: wellljsvwfwjwcegwhw 

sugamomma: ??

Dadchi: sorry noya and tanaka stole my phone

Sugamomma: oh makes sense

Dadchi: did you really think that was me?

Sugamomma is offline

Dadchi: ok then

Dadchi is offline

06:02

not your mom: can somebody convince Tendou and semi to get off the car roof.

ushijima: are they on the bus while you are driving it?

not your mom: maybe

Ushijima: are they naked

not your mom: maybe

Ushijima: and why are they naked on the roof top of a driving bus?

not your mom: Idk something about ducks and aliens but also stars and sexual tension oh and tendou wanting to ask out semi

Ushijima: omg it's finally happening

not your mom: kuroo just gave me the information that they are infact doing dirty things with their mouths

Ushijima: omg

Saltyshima: can confirm

Ushijima: How

Saltyshima: I am still riding on the bull. on the high way. I look at them atm. semi is bigger if you know what I mean

Ushijima: the only good thing about your party is that semiten is finally canon

Gucci™: somebody used the words semiten and canon in the same sentence. I am listening

cat: they are doing the do on the bus roof

Gucci™: Goshiki you own me money ( *¯ ³¯*)♡

cat: is he even in the chat?

Ushijima added future ace , semisemi and shirabu

cat: cool

future ace: ayeeee

shirabu: ayeeee

future ace: semi is getting some

not your mom: can somebody get them off the car roof. I am driving with almost 80 km/h

cat: omw

not your mom: ty.

Ushijima: so kei is riding with 80 km/h on my bull?

not your mom: no he and the bull are in the back. we let them in like 5 minutes ago.

Ushijima: oh thank God.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a very short chapter bc why not :)  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> Gentle Giant = Aone  
> fuck = Futakuchi  
> sin = Hinata

20:34

cat: so today was something

Dadchi: yain't sayn

Sugamomma: it's time to stop.

pudding: I really love Ushijima's bull

Gucci: he is great isn't he

Ushijima: please stop talking about my dick

Sugamomma: ushIJIMA!!

Gucci: if we gonna talk about your dick how 'bout we start with how hard it is

Dadchi: yaMAGUCHI!!

Gucci: to find

hoot: savage

Ushijima: Tadashi please stop

Gucci: or what you gonna spank me?

Saltyshima: I miss that time when you were as innocent as a kitten

pudding: I just realised we have a little petting zoo.  
69 goat's, a bull, a turtle and all the stray cats that live in our school and let's not forget the rats and the mice

Saltyshima: what?

jesus: *currently packing my stuff to go back to karasuno*

Gentle Giant: here are rats?

fuck: why? are? here? mice?

cat: lol y'all be freakin' out.

sugamomma: Jesus your grammar is almost worse then Daichis

Dadchi: y'calln' 

sugamomma: I am this close

Dadchi: :)

sin: I wanna play with the rats tbh

pudding: I can show you where they hide tomorrow

sin: yay

 

23:06

Buddha: if your clone gives you a hand job is it masturbating, insects or a normal handjob

done: it's disappointing your mother


End file.
